So just after being told that everyone hates me, life just got a little bit brighter.  There may just be hope in the world after all!

So there is this guy orchestra with me who plays bass.  I thought he was pretty cute. But we never really talked.  Until we found out we were going to be doing a Jazz Orchestra concert, and the basses went from being on the other side of the room, to being next to me.  We talked a bit in class, and he seemed like a nice guy.  Well, after our Jazz concert, he told me "we need to hang out!"  At first I thought nothing of it until I realized that it could be taken in more than one context.  After our next rehearsal, we were leaving the building in opposite directions, and when he realized this, he suddenly diverted and started walking with me, while still on his longboard.  When, once again, we were headed in different directions, he told me I should go right with him.  So I said ok, and found out he lives in the dorms right across from me.  So today, I added him on facebook before taking a 2 hour nap.  And what do I find when I wake up?

A facebook message in my inbox with his number.  A few hours later and he may be coming to dinner with me and my friends.  Because you know, everyone hates me right? :D  

This oddly makes me want to laugh in their face really hard, but I have decided to be the bigger person and not talk to them anymore.   

 Well it seems like I am on a losing streak.  With people that is.  

Grandma moved out Oct. 23.  It is making a few things difficult at home, but from what I hear so far, it was certainly for the better.  Hopefully in a little while Andrea won't need to see a psychiatrist anymore! (not that my dad knows about that.  Andrea refuses to let anyone tell him.)  So in a way, it was a good loss.  Maybe when I get home to visit things won't be so awful?  Although grandma did call me yesterday.  I didn't answer because I didn't hear my phone, and she left a voicemail saying "It's Grandma.  Talk to you later.  Bye."  Of course, by the tone of her voice, I could tell talking to me is the absolute last thing she wanted to do.  And I don't want to talk to her either.  I am still mad at her for what she did.  So I have yet to call her back.  my roommate said I should call her and say "Look.  Lets stop pretending to get along because we don't and we don't like each other.  We tell dad we talked and cut the crap."  But I don't even feel like doing that.  I just want her to disappear and leave us alone. 

So my other loss was friday.  I have two friends, McKenna and Abby.  McKenna and I were friends for over a year before we met Abby.  i met her band, Mckenna met her in softball.  And we were all friends.  But then suddenly my junior year, we found out Abby was Bi, bust mostly gay.  Not that that is a problem.  I have many G/B/L friends.  But suddenly McKenna decided to um, how did she put it? Oh. Pinch hit with Abby.  And things went sour from there.  Abby reminds me a lot of my dad.  Short temper, gets pissed off by everything, can be a real jerk sometimes, etc.  Her and McKenna never worked out.  On and off a million times.  That was it.  But ever since then, I got side dished as her "Best Friend".  All of sudden if all three of us were together, it was like I wasn't even in the room.  I couldn't matter less.  And it was ALWAYS awkward considering their "history".  

Well for the longest time Abby said she was going into the Army since her mom has literally no money.  We all of a sudden friday McKenna started boasting about how Abby somehow made it to Wyoming (a 16 hour driving trip or $400 plane ticket).  I told her I was surprised they could afford, considering her mom got laid off and works at a call center and they got evicted 6 months ago.  McKenna said I was being insulting.  I told her I wasn't trying to be, just a little concerned that she was spending money her mom doesn't have.  Then McKenna said Abby is going to apply to Wyoming so she can be with McKenna.  The only problem?  Abby barely graduated high school.  She had an IEP and got the IEP teacher to do most of her work for her and somehow she thinks she has 2.75 (That is a C average.  And I KNOW she didn't have a C average).   She didn't even take the SAT.  

I told McKenna that I didn't know how Abby was going to do it, since you need a 3.0 or higher in order to get away with not taking the SAT and that college is a lot of work, and i hoped that Abby was prepared for that.  She accused me of calling Abby an idot, and again being insulting.  I told her that I wasn't calling her stupid or trying to be insulting, but everyone was sugarcoating everything.  They always have throughout high school, and someone needs to help her realize she can't get by in college like she did high school. 


So what does McKenna do?  She doesn't throw me under a bus, she throws me under a Semi-Truck.  She went and told Abby that I was talking shit about her or something because this show up in my facbook inbox:

Subject: You Know Nothing

Message:you know your a fucking ass you have no right 2 talk about me like that you nothing about me to say anything and you know what a lot of ppl like me make alot money then you will ever make and you think you know everything and you dont i have looked at everything this school needs and i ended high school with a 2.75 higher then any of tanners kids so back the fuck off you think your better then everyone else will your not.....oh by the way everyone hates you caz of how you are......

1. I never said I was better than her.
2. My family doesn't make that much money either.  Just enough to keep us afloat.  So I am just her.  I don't know who "ppl like you" are.
3. She obviously didn't look at the admission because:

"Graduates of a non-Wyoming high school must have a cumulative high school grade point average of 3.0 or above based on a 4.0 grading scale, with a composite ACT score of at least 20 or a SAT composite score of at least 960 (combined math and verbal)."

The one Abby must of been looking at:

Graduates of a Wyoming high school must have a cumulative high school grade point average of 2.75 or above based on a 4.0 grading scale, with a composite ACT score of at least 20 or a SAT composite score of at least 960 (combined math and verbal).

So I was done and told McKenna vis text to "tell Abby the fucking ass says good luck" and what does she reply? 'So I guess you got the message."

I text her back saying I was done and that she and Abby could go ahead an join the I hate Stephanie club.  I am done.  This is the second time she has throw me under some kind of moving object.  I can't take it anymore.  My roommate is better friend to me an I have know her all of 2 months.  So what do they do? Text spam to my phone!  Of course.  Very mature  Because college has changed me.  Not her.

So they keep trying to text me and I don't answer.  It sucks to be right, especially when all you are trying to do is help someone that is so used to being able to take the really easy route. 

So I have decided to not talk to them anymore.  I am done being treated like crap and thrown to the side and expected to be there later when she needs me.  That isn't how friendships work.  They aren't supposed to be a matter of convenience.

So 3 people inside of week.  I am on a roll...



 

 So I randomly ended up on here and looked at my last post and realized it has been so long since I updated!! So much has gone it is crazy!

Well, if you didn't know, I am at university.  It is quite a whirlwind experience.  I wasn't fully prepared for it, but I am making the best of it.  I got very lucky with my roommate.  We happen to be very much a like, but not too alike.  We do most everything together and have grown to be very good friends.  We don't always get along, but we have yet to have a screaming match, unlike half our floor. :/

School is going pretty well.  A few classes are a little difficult, but I am loving being a music major.  I am having such fun, even though it is so much work.  

So since moving out things have been very different as far as my family is concerned.  My grandma has been living with us for quite a few years.  And for while, it wasn't horrible, but shortly before my knee injury things went awry.  All this year, my grandma has grown to be the least favorite of my family members.  I am not sure exactly how every managed to go so wrong, but basically, my grandma undermined my mother's authority, she started saying horrible things to my sister who is overweight (we later found out it is hypothyroidism.  but my grandma picked on her eating habits) and wets the bed sometime still, and when my mom told her to stop doing mine and my sibling's chores, she started screaming at her, and at me for defending my mom.  Her solution?  Call my aunt and put her on speaker as she says how I am going to be a dead beat since I picked a music major and won't be able to pay my loans.  My grandma has done so many horrible things, and somewhere in her brain, she thinks she is helping everyone and all we do is disrespect her and it is all mine and my mom's fault.  And more recently, she started calling all of my paternal extended family telling them how horrible we are.  It was a really miserable last few months at home.  I eventually got so mad that I started yelling at her to leave my siblings alone.  I was sick of watching Andrea cry.  So I came to find last week...
grandma is moving out today.  

It a way it is good news.  It is horrible to say but I am glad she is gone.  I don't know what it is that makes her act so horrible to her own grandchildren.  And now thanks to her only giving her side of the story to her family, I have basically been disowned by the only extended family I have since losing contact with my mom's side of the family.  They only talk to me when they have to (because my dad had me get on the phone) and even then the conversation is forced.  It sucks really bad.  I don't know why things had to end this way.  I don't even know how they got so bad.  Her being gone means I can finally stop worrying about her cornering my sisters in the car and yelling at them, or getting her and my brother (he was her favorite and since he is passive, he did whatever didn't get him yelled at) food after school and not getting anything for the girls when they are hot and sweaty from waiting outside.

The part that isn't so great is that it means my mom has to arrange her work schedule, since my dad is now manager and his schedule isn't flexible.  They are doing their best to make it work so hopefully everything pans out.  The other part that isn't so great is that, while my dad talks to me like nothing is wrong (we get along better now than when I was at home. We were butting heads too much and the distance I guess is helping!) he is upset with my mom because my grandma has him convinced that she has done nothing wrong and it is all my mom's fault.  It has brought up some nasty stuff from the past that makes no sense.  Unfortunately, my dad is like his mom, and we can't do anything about it, except hope that eventually he will get better and then maybe, just maybe we can be a family again.  In the past months, the divorce threats have really been worrying me.


So that is about all the news I have for now.  I may be using this more to vent my family frustrations.  They probably won't make sense because they don't make any sense to me either.  My dad, grandma, and their side of the family have a very strange way of reasoning (I.E., My mom killed my grandpa because she didn't want us at the hospital when he was really sick every waking hour when he died of congestive heart failure amongst many things.) and sometimes I really just wish I could be a super hero and get my mom and siblings the hell out of there.  It isn't that I don't love my dad.  I do, despite his bad days (he does have his good ones and I know he loves me.  it is just that temper and strange reasoning!) I would never wish him harm or dead, but I just think that my parents getting divorced could possibly make things so much easier.  If my mom and I could make it work, I would help instantly.  Only having to visit my dad and my siblings only having to visit my dad could do so much.  Especially considering how much momma and daddy fight nowadays.  But for now I am hoping grandma leaving helps make things better.  

I'M HOME!

I am so glad to be home and in my own bed. After spending so much time in the hospital the first time I hate it. But at least it wasn't too boring. My family came and visited a lot, and on the couple of days that my mom worked, she came down from the lab and had lunch with me. Her "lab rats" (co-workers) also stopped by and visited and they got me a really cute velveteen stuff lion. It is so cute. The nice thing about my stay was I got to stay in an ICU room till monday, which is nice because you get a room to yourself and it is big, so having people visit didn't make me claustrophobic. But on monday they moved me to a regular room. I was roommates with a little 6 year old girl who has leukemia. It was so sad because she is the same age as my little sister and she has to go through chemo. She has a little brother and the parents and her parents are on paid leave, but they don't make as much as when they work. My parents were talking to hers (my mom told them she worked there) and they said they came all the way over here from Washington, and they are staying at the Ronald McDonald house. My parents took them to dinner because they felt so bad. They are still paying their mortgage and money is even tighter for them. Their son is still a baby and of course, baby's are expensive. So of course, my mom being the sweet person she is, borrowed my Target discount card and bought them some stuff, including a bunch of clothes we just put on clearance and formula. I got to see him before we left last night and he is the cutest thing. So please if you read this, don't worry about me, I am fine, so please keep Ella and her family in your prayers, they need it more than me. So now I no longer set off metal detectors!!! Woohoo! Now I just have 3 weeks of intense PT!

 Well, here I lay, in a hospital bed at 7:40 at night with access to the computer! Yay!  Miracles do happen.  Or at least, I have the best best friend in the world.

So my surgery went pretty well.  We got to the hospital at 9am and I was under anesthesia by 10am.  My surgery lasted just over 2 hours, driving my family and some of my friends who were their crazy.  It took a little longer than planned and there were a few complications, which we knew of before I chose to have it (I am 18, so my parents couldn't make me unless I was incapacitated, in that case, my parents may have hit me with rock had I been stupid enough to reject it).  My asthma caused me to have some respiratory issues and my oxygen levels went a little nuts, but considering I am still alive to tell the tale I think it went ok.  

During the surgery they removed the pins and halo, and messed around a bit with some of the ligaments and tendons.  But the most important thing they were trying to do was repair the nerve damage that was causing me to have no feeling or movement in the left side of my leg.  Of course, I couldn't bend my knee to begin with so we don't know if there is any improvement in that, but for the longest time, when they ask me to wiggle my toes, the 3 on the left don't move.  I also can't feel it when they prick me with needles.  It worried me a little.  I was afraid I wouldn't be able to walk or use my leg, but I figured I wouldn't worry too much until after this surgery.  And so far, so good!  My surgeon managed to repair my nerves enough that I am beginning to get the feeling back which means that can actually move my leg a little.  I can very slightly wiggle my toes, which is a big improvement and it has significantly eased the worry of pretty much everyone who was in the waiting room.

After the surgery they kept me on a breathing tube until my oxygen levels regulated themselves again.  When I woke up 5 hours after surgery everyone was all excited to see me awake.  The nurse though had to bring me a white board so that I could say stuff to people.  About an hour later most of everyone who came had left.  My friends who came had to drive home which takes about an hour and my family went to get food, except for my brother, which surprised me.  When I had the first surgery, my siblings were al to afraid to come close to me for fear of hurting me.  It also freaked them out to see me look so horrible.  Especially my brother.  But he stayed and asked them to bring food back.  So, while they went to eat, I told my brother via. whiteboard to turn to the OSU/UTA game.  And we watched in despair together as OSU lost (I know I almost applied at UTA, but then I decided not to, so *sticksouttounge*.  Besides, as a true midwesterner I have to say GO OSU! WOOT WOOT!!).  My family came back and stayed for a while and then everyone but my dad left (my mom dropped everyone off and came back later).

My mom and dad stayed the night, taking turns staying up to push my morphine button.  The pain this time is actually almost worst than the first time.  My doctor says it because of all the work they had to do to pull the pins out and the fact that now, more of my nerves work, therefor, i can feel more pain.  But I am being my mom's little trooper like always and as my dad says "am taking it like a man".  In the morning they took out my breathing tube and put me on oxygen through my nose, which is rather irritating, but again, I do what they tell me to.  

The past few days has been a mess of visitors, PT (physical therapy) visits, and irregular sleeping patterns, but I guess I am handling it pretty well all things considered.  At least emotionally.  Right now I still need the morphine button, so the doctors are considering having me stay till Wednesday instead of Sunday.  Also because they want to do some more intensive PT to see if I can get any closer to bending my knee on my own.  My surgeon is hoping that with PT and maybe another surgery or two (the next time it will be out patient) I can regain at least 80% of my feeling and movement in my knee.  Till then, I will be on crutches and in this huge clunky knee brace (it still lets me bend my knee).  Oh well, I guess have gotten used to being easy to single out in crowed.

So this is just my quick check in.  I am already getting tired from typing.  Plus I am on my best friends computer (bless her for brining it with her.  I am so lucky!) and she has an hour drive home.  

So anyways, don't worry to much about me.  Everything will work out and I shall talk to you all soon!
~Sweetie

As always, life is crazy, and I completely forgot to update, not that you all want to hear about my life anyways, but alas, here comes a rather long update about the last 2 months.

School-

So I admit, I am a little disappointed in myself.  I managed to catch up rather quickly after the whole knee injury and the surgeries that followed, but after that, I lost momentum.  I could have done so much better.  My grade didn't turn out as well as I wanted, and my parents weren't too happy, which is a first.  They expect mostly A's and maybe a B or 2.  Not a C.  They expect it from my brother considering his ADD, very slight case of Down's Syndrom (he got really sick when he was 2 and they never figured it out because my mom didn't want him gene tested.  He was supposed to be mentally retarded, but luckily he is pretty much normal.  Not to say that if he had Down's he would be any different to me, but still.  My mom is pretty sure that it was Down's, although a very light case since he just had to relearn how to do everything which made him like a newborn again at age 2.  She is also pretty sure it still effects him slightly. </endrandomtanget)), all of his honors classes, and his crappy teachers.

My Grades:

Yearbook - A (Which took no effort.  I didn't have to take a final and I am the one photog who does their job)
Band - A (Another obvious grade.  I showed up to class and the concerts, there was no way I could have failed.)
P.E. - A (Again, obvious.  Noticing a pattern?
English - Barely a C (Pattern comes to an abrubt halt.  Not that I expected anything else considering I got a C on almost every paper I turned in)
Government - Barely a B (Teacher lied and said 2 weeks before the final that I should be able to get my grade up an A.  Instead it went down more! :'()
Math -  B dead on. .1 percent lower and i would have been a C *whew* (My math teacher shouldn't even be teaching and the school won't do anything about it.  Even when parents get involved.  She talks to us like we are preschoolers and throws tantrums (literally) when she thinks we are too loud and tell us we are being immature o_O)

Thankfully I turned in my Northern Arizona University application BEFORE these grade were added to my transcript the counselor sent.

Ethan being gone-

I am handling it a lot better than I thought.  I still at least get to talk to him which is good.  And I am also kind of realizing that I was a little too Romeo and Juliet with the whole thing.  I am still young and have a lot of life and things to do before I become that attached to anyone.  I am not saying I won't date period, but if and when I do, I will handle it a little differently.

Lorin being gone-

This one I am not handling so well.  He is always and constantly in my thoughts and I find myself crying at random.  It is so difficult to think that he is really gone, and that I will never see him smile and wave at me anymore.  He was too young, and too good a kid.  But my priest at church said that God takes the good ones first.   Not to say that those of us who live till old age are bad, but that people like Lorin are being given a special gift that we don't get to know about.  I guess it makes sense, and that thought has helped a little.  But there is still a piece of my heart that is breaking and I can feel it, and it won't go away.  I have seen his parents at work twice since his funeral (I went to the ceremony, but I couldn't go to the burial.  It was too much and I was crying so bad when my dad picked me up.  I kind of wish that I had gone, but I still don't think I could have handled it.)  and I got to meet his newest niece.  The one he had been gushing about for months and was so excited to see.  He died 13 days before she was born, so maybe they did get to meet, since she was (in my belief anyway) still in heaven.  I really hope they did.   It is still hard seeing his parents.  His mom always gives me the biggest hug and we make small talk for a few minutes.  She teared up a bit when she mentioned Christmas, which made me tear up too, but it is good to see them.  They are such nice people and I am thankful for the time I had with their son.  This year's London's Run is in honor of Lorin, so the proceeds are going to his family.  I am hoping I can go and try to walk.  I will be making a shirt and everything.  

The best therapy for Lorin's passing was my paper for english about someone/something profound that happened in our life.  Meeting Lorin and being their through his fight has been one of the most profound moments in my life that will forever shape me.  I only hope that I can take what I live from and use it well and make him proud.  

My Knee -

Got good news from the doctor!  My surgery is set and my pins will be removed on January 5th.  This is first week of school, so I shouldn't miss too much.  I will be in the hospital for one week, during which I will have 3 a day physical therapy sessions starting the day after or so to see if iI can get all the feeling back in side of my leg.  AFter that it will be out patient physical therapy 4 times a week for 3 hours.  It is daunting and likely to be painful, by my doctor, family, and I know I can handle it.  This grueling schedule is mainly due to the fact that I want be able to walk if not jog Lorin's (Londond, but it is Lorin's to me) Run without help.  I want to do it for him and win this battle since he couldn't win his and his was much more difficult.    So, I will be really busy but I think I can do it.

Music School-

It has been rough, and some people still don't think that I can do it or that I still want it, but I will do it.  The professor really likes me and the last time I talked to her i mention that none of my other options are ones that I like, so it is NAU or bust and she said "That is good!" so I am hoping this means I will get in.  It would be nice to have just one thing going for me after graduation.

Sorry to bore you and make you read so much.  But thanks for caring.  You have no idea how much I appreciate it.  I only seem to be feeling more and more alone these days...

I know i have posted in a while and I haven't even been reading everyone else's pages and I am sorry, it has just been a rough month.

1. Ethan and I broke up. He found out he is moving back to Indiana because it is the only place his dad can find a job. This was just before our 4 month. We mutually decided that long distance wasn't a very good idea. And then today he tells me:

His house sold. They are moving right after Christmas. :(

2. My mom DOESN'T have Breast Cancer, however she does have a papaloma, which can get ugly if left alone, so she still has to have surgery to have the lump removed. We were so happy it wasn't even funny.

3. Lorin died on Tuesday. He had trouble breathing and they couldn't figure out why. His parents took him to the hospital where they did a chest xray that led to heart breaking news. Tumors were covering 50% of his lungs. They told Lorin there was nothing they could and they cancelled his chemo. That night he was too afraid to go to bed. On tuesday, he got way worse and eventually died surrounded by his family and some of his friends.

It stinks because he is Mormon, and I am not. they have certain rules about who can and can't come to certain services. I emailed his mom, but I think they may not let me go to his funeral. :(


Yeah so this month has been pretty crappy. It is making it harder and harder to push on...

Apparently, I forgot to mention in my last mad rant post that yes, Ethan and I are still together.  My friend did this because she doesn't like my boyfriend for some random reason.  And Stephen thought i was going to consider leaving Ethan for him.  I guess I made myself sound single for a second there!  SORRY!!! I tend to forget important details when I mad rant without reading before posting.  I know I must sound crazy, buy then again, I am crazy so it makes sense.  Lol!

Sorry it has been a while.  This week has been completely crazy.  I don't even remember half of it.

Well, I went to the doctor for a flu shot.  I also went because my arm sore and I didn't know why.  So when my doctor was messing around with arm she asked me:  "How long have you had that little lump in your arm?"  and I was all WHAT LUMP???  I have some kind of small benign little lump in the soft tissue in my arm.  Thankfully it doesn't seem to be in the bone, which would have meant MRI's and CT scans.  She wants me to keep any eye on it and come see them in a few weeks.  I hoping it is just a cyst or something.  After watching my friend Lorin go through his ordeal cancer is the last thing I want.

Speaking of Lorin, I got to see him on Wednesday and today.  He wasn't doing to well last weekend so my mom took me out of school to see him on Wednesday.  It was difficult because his room was small and my chair is big, but I managed to stay for about 2 hours talking to him and his mom.  He was in too much pain to really say  anything so he just listened to me talk to his mom.  Today he was in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU) Because he had fluid building up in his lungs and his arm where his tumor is.  This mainly due to the fact that the tumor is swelling and cutting off a vain in his arm.  But the nice things is his room is bigger so it was easier for me to visit.  He also go a visit from some people from Make-A-Wish, who came in with DIsney Characters and balloons to visit all the hospital patients.  Every single patient got a visit from either Micky, Tigger, Donald Duck, or Goofy and a balloon.  It was sweet and though it Lorin a little while to understand why Disney characters were in his room, he enjoyed it.  Lorin has been pretty drugged up, so sometimes, he makes no sense.  He sees things and starts talking about things he remembers as if they are happening now.  So today, he was "at the airport".  He also gets aggravated easily and and usually when people leave, he gets made and has a fit.  But when I left, he asked me to come back, so I promised him I would.  And then he thought me hear him ask for a hug, (another thing is he thinks he hears things when he doesn't) I asked him if he wanted one and he said "no, I thought you wanted one so I was going to go over there and give you one" even though he can't get up.  So instead he waved goodbye and promised he would try to feel better if I promised to come back.  I will hopefully see him again next week, and by then, he should be in a regular room instead of the PICU.  

I have seriously learned a lot from him.  He is so strong and never looses faith, even when things get worse. I will never forget what he has taught me about life.

Another lesson I learned: when a situation sounds funny, it probably is.

A guy friend of mine asked me and a few of my friends to go Ice Skating. So the only people that were supposed to go was me and my bestie McKenna.  No, McKenna has a bad ankle, but since you can't move your ankle in the rental skates, she said she might try to skate anyway.  So as I am leaving my house and I am on the phone with McKenna, I find out.
I WAS SET UP!

McKenna is the 3rd wheel, and she assumed that I knew this was supposed to be a date.  A DATE?  All he asked is if I wanted to hang out and go skating!  I have numerous guys friends and never once have they said "hang out" and meant date.  I was supposed to assume it was date and she was shocked I thought it wasn't.  Now my "date" Stephen, well, I don't find find him attractive in that way.  And most of the time he spends constantly insulting me which he thinks is funny even when I kindly asked him to cut it out.  Now, he also has a girl who we are all friends with who likes him.  And he tried to hide this all from her and now, she thinks I was part of this and is slightly mad at me.  So now I am in the middle of a situation I DIDN'T EVEN ASK TO BE IN!  And Stephen and McKenna joked saying she was probably going to show up at the rink and kill me.  Stephen even had the nerve to shout "SHELBY" in my ear while we were skating, thinking it was funny.  He did a lot of other things he thought was funny when it wasn't.  And seriously, I was fine when I thought it was just hanging out.  I hang out with guys a lone often and it always as friends an never weird.  THIS however, once I found out it was a date, was AWKWARD THE ENTIRE NIGHT.  All I wanted to do was call my mom to pick me up, but I didn't want to be rude because somehow, Stephen apparently got the wrong idea.  McKenna didn't help really.  She said we always look at each other weird and that we should hold hands and a bunch of other stuff.  I repeatedly told her it felt awkward  and I was uncomfortable and seriously, everyone near me could tell.  This group of guys kept staring at me an when one of them went to come to talk to me, Stephen popped up behind me and grabbed my waist.  I looked back to see the guy skate away and shake his head, and the other guys looked at me with almost a surprised look because I obviously looked freaked out.  
After we left and got back to McKenna's and my mom picked me up, I told her everything (because I always do.  It is why I love her because I can tell her anything.)  and boy was she pissed.  Mainly at McKenna because it was not one of her best best friend moments.  My mom was mad at her for setting me up and Stephen for being so rude and how he "has a crappy way of showing he likes me if he even does".  Stephen said he told Shelby he "didn't know if he liked me".  I am sorry, but I AM NOT A FREE TRIAL!  You can't just date me because you aren't sure if you like me!  Date me because you do!  JEEZE!!! And now I have call Shelby and smooth things over because I seriously had no idea what was going on.   

After I got home I felt awkward and my mind was racing.  It took me 3 hours to fall asleep and I am still miffed about the whole thing.  I definitely need to McKenna, because I don't like being set up. As for Stephen, things are gonna be awkward for a while.  I don't know that I want to talk to him.  Mostly because I know what he is gonna say.  UGH!

What did I do to deserve this?

Just went to the doctor over the weekend and got some really good news!!!  My knee is doing a bit better than expected!  So in about 2 weeks, I will be out of the chair and on crutches in 2 weeks!  WOOT WOOT!!!!

The wheel chair and injury has been an interesting experience.  I seriously have new found respect for the wheel chair bound (not that I didn't have any before,  but trust me, you don't know until  your in one for a long time) .  It is seriously difficult!!  Relying on others all the time to do once simple tasks can be a little upsetting.  Just ask my family and my boyfriend.  I would seriously try to figure out ways to do things even if it didn't work.  Ethan was constantly watching me at school when I would try to pick something up that I couldn't reach and stuff like that.  Eventually, after giving me a few minutes he would come over and help me since I would try my hardest not to have to ask.  Of course I got all these people who were all "I would make everyone help me!  It is an excuse to be special!"  

My response?  You try living in a wheel chair for over 2 months and having to have people help you get into the bathroom (I was seriously thankful for my best friend during school for helping me.  You really have no idea.) or the shower or to get something out of the fridge or dress yourself. And it isn't because I want help it is because I need help.  You seriously feel useless. 

Being on crutches will be nice, it will mean a little more freedom until the knee stuff comes off.  It also means that on mine and Ethan's 4 month anniversary on November 6th,  we might be able to go somewhere nicer than McDonalds.  

Yeah, so I am pretty excited.  I am counting down the days.

The popular question on my birthday yesterday was: "How does it feel to be 18?" and honestly?  I don't feel any different.  I still live with my parents so I really don't get to say "Well, I am 18 so I can do what I want" since I technically still live under their roof and their rules.  

I got some nice gifts though!  

- Cash
-Giftcards to Cold Stone's and Itunes
-Candles from Gold Canyon
-Bath stuff that smells like Rain! <3
- Build-a-Bear pumpkin kitty
-The Princess Bride DVD
-Dillon Rogers leather bracelet that says "Follow Your Dreams"
-Movie passes to AMC

Me and some of my friends went to a pizza place.  It was tons of fun and my friend tried to get our waiter's number for me.  It was hilarious. 

Well, I got good news from the knee doc.  I should be out of the chair in around 3 weeks.  Things are actually going better than expected and if all goes really well, I should have all the metal stuff out of my knee by Christmas.  Maybe the week before.  But no promises.  So we are keeping the fingers crossed.  I saw him on Monday so I will be counting down!

But of course, no sooner than I get good news, I get really ugly news.  And it isn't even about me.

My mom went and got her mammogram for the first time, after much pleading by me and her doctor.  She went and everything was clear.  Then she went and had a chest ultra sound.  The tech said some of the images came out bad, and they wanted to do another one.  So I went with her on Wednesday to get her second ultra sound.  

There is something there.  My mom might have breast cancer.  They don't know for sure, but from what my mom is telling me, things don't look good, but we are praying hard that it is just a cyst or something.

They should have a manual for handling this kind of stuff.  Really.  We don't even know for sure and family is just in shambles.  My dad is convinced it is nothing until he is told otherwise, my sister Andrea (almost10) who wasn't supposed to know over heard and is now upset and afraid that "mommy is going to leave us", my other sister Eryn(5) has no clue and my brother Nathan (15) is trying to ignoe the situation altogether.  My mom is a mess.  Doctors keep calling and she keeps getting upset.  So now she is trying to paint a happy picture when we know that is what she is doing.  It worries me to watch her fake being happy.  It just isn't like her.

And although we don't always get along, I am left to face the fact that one of the most important people in my life may have to fight for it.  All I have been seeing is little pink ribbons.  I can't even begin to or want to imagine what could happen, how this would go, anything.  I am so at a loss for words or thoughts.  It is like watching someone get hit by car and not being able to do anything about it.

I just don't even know what I am going to do anymore... 

Well, since I am band council president, I get to help with and run many aspects of band.  Including 8th grade night with marching band.  getting ready for it was crazy.  My school takes so long to get purchase orders through, and we almost could get food.  Luckily we got it at the last minute and i had to order 25 pizzas from Little Caesars.  I also made candy bags for marching band since they did so well at their competition and I got regular candy for the 8th graders and they each got 2 pieces.  It was a really tiring day friday.  Right after school I got food really quick and made it back to school just as the 8th graders started arriving.  Then me and BJ, my vp, ran the two activities that were crazy.  Blob went well, but freeze tag was utter chaos.  We learned a few lessons for next time.  After that, they had rehearsal while Judy (the band booster president) and Victor (band council treasurer) went to get the pizza.

Getting the pizza was hilarious.  I guess the LC that we went to had a 15 minute wait no matter what when we walked in with around 20 people waiting.  So when I gave them the P.O. and they started stacking our pizzas on the counter, everyone in the room gave us a death stare.

Victor:  I don't think these people like us much right now.
Me:  You think?  They probably think we are the reason it is taking so long.
Victor: We probably are.  Way to hold up a line huh?
*HighFive*

After getting the food back to the school and serving it, they all got ready and they we marched out to the field.  I spent the first half of the game selling spirit bracelets for our fundraiser.  Then i went over with marching band.  But first, I met a few people from the other marching band.  They were waiting to meet our marching band and asked where they went.  I told him they would be coming back, but when they did, they came from the opposite end.  They came with me to go back, but when they went to say (after the moms said how sweet it was) Nick, our drum major was really rude and and ran after them and said "Hey can you like, get out of our stands?".  It ticked me off.  They were being nice and wanted to say how good we were, especially to our soloists, but Nick still drove them away.  Even they asked when they could meet with them later.  But then we mentioned it to our band director and he let council go over and say.  The one guy who i had been talking to came down and gave me a hug and thanked me for getting some of our band our come over.

After the game, I had no energy.  I crashed.  The End.

From Stepheniemeyer.com:
"Summit has let us know that there will be a new, final trailer for TWILIGHT coming soon! It will be debuting in theatres on Friday, October 10th in front of certain movies (it is at the discretion of the individual theatres). There will also be a sneak peak of the new trailer on Entertainment Tonight on Thursday, October 9th. Immediately following the sneak peak, Summit is letting the fans be the first to see the trailer online in its entirety and share it.

What you need to know:

You can see the trailer first online before it's officially released, via the Twilight widget. If you don't have the widget, you can grab it from the official film site at TwilightTheMovie.com.
The trailer will be available exclusively via the widget starting at 8:00 PM PST on October 9th for one hour, before launching in HD on MySpace at 9:00 PM PST.
A countdown clock will be added to the widget shortly, counting down to this highly anticipated event.
Stay tuned for more exciting movie news!"

I tried to get the Twilight widget here. I clicked Livejournal and had it post it but I don't see anything. How about you guys?

 Hahah.  Just had to say that.  It is OCTOBER!!!  My favorite month!  And not just because my birthday is on the 12th.  Actually, I would like to possibly ignore my birthday.  It suddenly dawned on me that I AM TURNING 18???? WHAT THE CRAP???  I feel like Bella on her 18th birthday.  I really wish I could stay 17 a little longer.  For many reasons too! Taxes, adulthood, taxes, having to get my own life, taxes, not being able to rely on my parents oh and did I mention I will have to do taxes?  EEEEWWWW.

One good thing is it is almost HALLOWEEN!!! WOOT!! One of my favorite holidays ever!  I am so glad i can't work.  I stopped by the other day and the halloween department looks like hell on wheels.  I don't know if I will go trick-or-treating though.  My friends and I are going to settle for buying our own candy and going to my friend Abby's house to watch horror movies all night.  Maybe my knee will seem less gruesome to everyone if they remember what happened to the people in Texas Chainsaw Massacre?  Yeah, people still stare at my knee.  I usually keep it wrapped with one of the tons of bandannas Ethan bought me so people can't see because it still looks kinda bad.  I love little kids though.  Adults will just stare and come up with a million situations in their heads about why I am in a wheelchair.  Which I find aggravating because they think they are getting away with it, but I can just tell.  Anyways, with kids, it is different.  They have no problem with walking right up to my chair and asking what happened.  I have no problem telling them, I mean, it gets tiring answering all those questions, but I would rather people ask than just stare at me like I am some kind of freak show.  This one kid was so cute:

Little Boy:  What happened to your knee?

Me: I got hurt playing soccer.

Boy:  Ouch.  Why did that happen?

Me:  I didn't eat my vegetables like my mom told me to.

Boy: Really?  *to mom* Hey mom, when we get home can I have carrots? 


It was so cute.  He mom was listening and laughed so hard.  Then she told me I was her hero because he is 7 and hasn't eaten vegetables since he knew what they were.

Anyways, I am going to go take a much needed nap.  Like my new journal layout?

Just when things get better, I do something stupid. My mom was actually off on Sunday. First time in a while, and in a way it was nice because she was in a good mood. Until I ruined it at least. I have been getting around by myself pretty well and can usually get from my chair to somewhere else like a chair or the bed without help. Note the usually. On Sunday, someone came to the door and no one else was paying attention. I was the only one down stairs, and though I yelled, no one else heard. I got up to get myself into my chair so I could get the door. And then I fell. My sibling left their shoes by the recliner and I lost my balance and fell right on the metal thing on my left knee. It took a second for the shock to go away before I felt the excruciating pain shoot through my leg.  By this time, the dog stopped barking and whoever was at the door left, and then I really screamed.  My entire house ran down stairs and when I said what happened, everyone but my mom laughed.  My mom threw me and my chair in the car and rushed my to the ER at the hospital I was at before.  The pain was so bad that they just admitted me right away and the started me on a morphine drip.  Of course, the pain meds make me wacky so I wasn't sure what was going on, but I guess they did an x-ray to be safe and I didn't do any damage to my knee thank god except for bruising my bone slightly, but when you have metal rods in your knee it is to be expected or at least, that is what the doctor said.  So I spent sunday night all of monday and part of tuesday in the last place I wanted to be.  When I got back to school I lied and said I was sick because, frankly, I don't need anymore attention.  I love everyone dearly but I mean, I need my space!  Ugh.  

Yeah so this caused to me to miss the beginning of the team battle.  Now I am all lost and confused and I don't feel like reading all the numerous posts at this moment.  I am lucky I could make it to the computer to type this.  Anyways, don't worry about me.  I am fine, just not safe from my own stupidity apparently. 


P.S. I blame the FedEx guy and my mom for ordering from Amazon.

 Well, my family finally left yesterday.  It was kind of nice, and certainly made Ethan more comfortable.  He had only come over twice after the hug blowup with my family, and I missed seeing him.  School has been going ok.  My grades aren't wonderful, but I am doing good.  

Even though I am crippled I am still on rocky terms with my parents.  Most days usually involve one of them blowing up at me, sometimes including a couple FU's and me being called a "bitch" .  At this point, I have stopped letting it bug me.  It blows over and the next we are back somewhat to normal, even though it hurts to have my parents say the f word to me.   There isn't much I can do.  I can't change over night as much as I want to, and I would give anything in order to be their perfect daughter again, but things don't work like that.  I am hoping that college will help things.  Maybe if were aren't living under the same roof we won't get so mad at each other.  Oh well.  I am just getting used to crying myself to sleep.

The graduation crap guy came into my English 101 class today.  Nearly made me cry to realize how close graduation is.  While I am looking forward to it, I am going to miss high school in certain ways.

Band council is getting crazier.  I have so much to do that it is beginning to seem like a full time job, not an after school activity.  But I love it, and my other council peeps are so helpful.  I will have to embarrass them and make a speech at the end of the year. *muahhahah*

Otherwise, all is good!

Oh, and Ethan says hi...

The meeting went well. I am going to be spending a lot of time at school after school, but I should be caught up with the rest of the Seniors in about 2 weeks! WOOT WOOT!

The ear infection and splitting headache are gone too!

Well, homecoming week was crazy. I am band council president, and so, even though I am still in a wheel chair. I ran our booth for the homecoming carnival. BJ, My VP helped out a ton, and even offered to take care of everything, but I told him that while I appreciated the offer, I really wanted to do something instead of making excuses and passing it on to someone else. He understood and settled for helping me with whatever else I need. The night was crazy. We had Guitar Hero III as our booth and had 2 stations running. Thankfully i had 4 people beside me to help. That is, until they went to jail. Pretend jail. Some brilliant idea of Student Council. Pay tickets to have your friends sent into a doggie run turned jail cell. All the band people were paying to have them arrested, and I was getting ticked, because when I asked them not to do it, they kept laughing and said no. BJ went to find out how get people out. 3 tickets, which we didn't have because we had no money because we planned to stay at the booth the entire 2 hours. So, I took matters into my own hands. My history teacher was running the booth, I told him the situation and I wrote down the names of everyone at my booth and made them immune! HHAHAHA! I ticked off a ton of band people who said they would come work the booth if I let them throw my council jail, to which I responded "In your dreams". My council people were really happy, and worked extra hard at the both, showing me it was worth it. I brought soda and chips too, since we were trapped at the booth for 2 hours.

Our booth got stuck in the back, where no one else was. So I traded a bottle of Coke for announcements at the DJ table. It was worth it. We got a lot of people who came whenever there was announcement.

The football game was nuts. Yearbook let me on the field with them and I actually took pictures. We won by only 2 points and came close to loosing. Our football team sucks this year. Honestly. They lost our first 2 games and nearly lost this one. I wish we had our team from my sophomore year. That was the best season ever and we were only state runners up.

I didn't go to the dance. I stayed home. It was nice. I heard it wasn't that good anyways.

Well, I finally looked at your guy's pages for the first time a while.  I apologize for completely forgetting you guys.  Especially after all I have posted is venting.  I promise to start reading your posts again like I used to.

Well, when my mmo came home from work yesterday I had to go to urgent care for an ear infection.  Got it from Eryn (my 5 year old little sister), and my ear hurt so bad I couldn't concentrate on anything so I am staying home today.  I will go to school again tomorrow and will hopefully will be almost back to normal as far as that is considered.  It was difficult getting around campus.  Eventually, Ethan had to start pushing me around because no one seems to understand that no, I am not walking, yes, my wheelchair is nigger than you, and yes, you need to move out of my way or I, or my chair rather, will bump into you.  I eventually ignored all the grunts and "watch it!"s and just told Ethan to get where I needed to go and not worry about it.  My teachers have been amazing about getting me back on track.  Me and my parents have a meeting Wednesday with all my teachers, my guidance counselor, and some of the administrators.  I am still kind of behind and some things have been hard to learn, plus there is still work I need to catch up on, so we are going to figure out how to get me back on track.

I have been keeping tabs on Lorin through a webpage his family set up and I found out he got to go home yesterday.  i am really happy for him and I told him that I know from experience that hospitals stink and that nothing is better than your bed after spending a few weeks in the hospital.  He is doing better, so I hope everything goes good for him, because he deserves it after he has been so stoic about the whole thing.  

 Well, first off, I went back to school earlier than I expected.  With so much going on I needed a distraction, because sitting at home leaves me too much time to think about  what was going on.  So I went back to school Wednesday.  From the second I rolled (lol) on campus with Ethan behind me, I was barraged by all my friends and a bunch of people I know but not that well who all gave me hugs and said how much they missed me and how excited they were to have me back.  It was nice that so many people care.  It made getting to my first hour difficult, but I guess I have given up on not being in the spotlight.

Then, half way through first hour, the security guard came and asked for me.  I figured it would be my counselor or and administrator that wanted to talk about me being back.

It wasn't.

They gave me a note saying to call my mom immediately.

I knew what it meant before I called her.  

RIP "Uncle" Grant. 10/09/08.

My mom told me she had gotten a message from Stacy saying Grant was gone.  I started bawling in front of 3 office ladies, 4 teachers, and 2 students.  The office ladies know me well because of my mom, so they tried to calm me down.  I went to bathroom and cried for a good 15 minutes before going back to my yearbook class.  My eyes were all red and puffy and my teacher asked if I was ok.  Of course, everyone went silent when I explained what happened.  Everyone said they were sorry, and I rolled up to get tissues when Stephen, one of the yearbook editors came in (the editors come in and help the beginning classes like mine).  First he said "Well, look who's back".  I couldn't even answer him with anything because I was still in so much shock.  My teacher asked if I was ok again right as Stephen was about to say something else and he looked bewildered and asked what was wrong.  I told him and he went "Oh I am sorry!  I thought it was allergies or something and I was going to say something mean.  I am so sorry!"  and he gave me a big hug.   He and I never got along for some reason, and that was the nicest he has ever been to me.  

I found a bunch of my friends and Ethan what happened when they saw me after class, and I bawled again and they gave me a round of hugs.  Ethan longer than the others, which made him late, but he didn't care.  In band, I didn't get that many questions.  Just more sympathy, except from Aidan, who hugged me for a long time and told me to go back home.  Unfortunately that wasn't possible. He tried to convince me again on Thursday and today, telling me I was insane for dealing with school on top of everything else.  

So I was pretty much a rolling emotional train wreck the entire day.  Ethan came over and I pretty much cried into his shoulder for over an hour. 

My mom and I cried together before I went to bed.  


On a good note, I saw my orthopedic surgeon after school school and everything is doing good as far as my knee is concerned.  

Lorin, my friend with cancer, just found out that he has a tumor on his spine as well as what is already in his shoulder.  They finally got him off IV pain meds because they were making him literally crazy.  He would see things and couldn't communicate well.  He is still in pain, but chemo is working and he hopes to be home soon.  He is getting sick of the hospital, which is understandable.  But on Thursday morning he told his parents "I'm not going to get out of here am I?"  so we are all really worried about him.  I hope he gets out soon.

Yeah, so this week hasn't been very great. I am just waiting to hear when Grant's memorial service is.  I just don't know how well I will be able to handle it.